31. Obtaining Parental permission 

Problem or situation. Discovering that the legal age of adults in Japan was 18 instead of 20 had greatly facilitated our work with university students who were living away from home. However, if the students were living at home, or if their parents were in the immediate area, we still tried to obtain parental permission. They were also teaching a considerable number of investigators who were under the legal age of 18. It was often difficult to obtain parental permission for them to be baptized.

The method most commonly used by the missionaries to obtain parental permission was simply to have the investigator ask his parents if he could be baptized and join the Church. The investigator typically did this towards the end of the discussions, and it was often the first time the parents were aware their son or daughter had been learning about the Church.

This proved to be not very effective. Parents often misunderstood what was happening, and permission was denied. In my "fall-through analysis," lack of parental permission became one of the reasons why "expected" baptisms were not happening. This was especially hard on the missionaries because their investigators had accepted the gospel, did have testimonies, and wanted to become members of the Church. Both the missionaries and the investigators felt their joining the Church would help them become better people, reaching closer to the ideal their parents expected of them. I felt it was a miscommunication. The parents just didn't understand and were refusing an incorrect "image" or perception of what their son or daughter wanted, not the "reality." I felt there must be better ways of communicating a more accurate picture of what was happening to the parents. 

Action taken. (1-80) INTRODUCE MORE EFFECTIVE STEPS FOR EXPLAINING BAPTISM TO PARENTS AND GETTING THEIR PERMISSION. (Productivity label: Training.)

In analyzing why we were so often failing to obtain parental permission, I determined that there were three primary reasons. First, the request for permission came too suddenly and abruptly to the parents. Second, the parents were unfamiliar with the Church, had never even met a "Mormon." Third, the parents had an incorrect and negatively distorted image of what it meant to receive baptism and become a Christian, often equating it to becoming a monk, dressing in robes, and living off in a monastery somewhere. (Strangely, few of them were active members in an organized religion such as Buddhism, so resistance to "switching" religions was seldom a factor.)

            We solved or at least minimized the effects of these problems by developing a series of steps missionaries were to follow whenever they began teaching investigators who might need parental permission. The steps were: 

1.         MAKE SURE THE PARENTS KNOW RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING THAT THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER IS LEARNING ABOUT THE CHURCH. Don't let the request for baptism come as a surprise, or be interpreted as something going on behind their backs.  

2.         MISSIONARIES MEET THE PARENTS. Let them see that they are clean-cut, upright, normal people--the kind parents would normally want their children to be like.

These first two steps were usually accomplished by one single activity early in the relationship: after the first or second lesson, the missionaries visited the investigator's home and met the parents, usually when the son or daughter was not there. According to Japanese custom, they took a small gift such as a basket of fruit or a plate of cookies. They introduced themselves to the parents, explained that they were Mormon missionaries, and said that they were talking with their son or daughter about religion. They also expressed how much they thought of the son or daughter-the good qualities they had observed--and gave the parents credit for the good upbringing. 

3.         TEACH THE INVESTIGATOR HOW TO ASK FOR PERMISSION. Don't just let it happen by chance. Teach the investigator ways of explaining the Church and baptism that communicate a more accurate, clear picture to the parents. 

There were two parts to teaching investigators how to ask for permission. The first part was teaching them to begin living the things they were being taught in their home. This included such things as being more honest, clean, hard working (or hard studying), honoring their parents, and being more kind and considerate. When they did this, their parents inevitably asked what was making them behave so well. The investigator could then explain that it was what those two missionaries who had come to the home had been teaching.

The second step was actually asking for permission. Rather than simply blurting out "Can I get baptized?", which Japanese parents would seldom understand correctly, the missionaries taught the investigators to explain baptism to their parents in terms of its results, not only for their child, but also for the parents themselves. Their explanation might go something like this:

SON: Mom and Dad, what would you say if I promised to start obeying you better than ever? 

PARENTS: That would be nice. 

SON: I want to. And I've decided that I don't want to smoke or drink or hang out, either. 

PARENTS: That's wonderful, but why have you decided that?  

SON: I've found something that means a lot to me. It teaches me these standards. You remember those missionaries that were teaching me? They've taught me these things.

PARENTS: That was nice of them. We thought they were good people, too. We've noticed a change in you. 

SON: Yes, that's the reason. Their teachings are all family centered, too. They teach that families are the most important organizations in the world. They've taught me things I can do to make our family stronger. I'd like to make a commitment to you to follow these teachings. Also, because I feel so strongly that it's true, I'd like to make a covenant with the Lord through baptism. Don't you think that would be a good thing? 

PARENTS: Are you sure that's what you want to do? 

SON: Yes, it is. Can I have your permission and blessing?  

            The Missionaries taught their investigators how to ask for permission by role playing with them. The missionary took the role of the investigator, and the investigator took the role of his parents. Then they would reverse roles. The missionaries would be the parents and the investigator would be himself.  

Results of the action. Once the missionaries learned to carry out these steps, parental permission became much less of an obstacle. Sometimes these steps paved the way for the parents to take a serious interest in the Church, sometimes resulting in their being converted as well. But even if the parents were not interested in the Church for themselves, they understood the benefit of what was happening, for themselves and for their son or daughter, and were thus generally happy to give permission for baptism.

An incident with the mother of one convert illustrates the sort of thing that happened many times. The missionaries had obtained permission and baptized a young lady of about 18 years of age. She later assisted the missionaries in the conversion of her younger brother. Again parental permission was required. One day, prior to this baptism, the mother came to visit me at the mission office. At first I thought she had come to refuse permission for her son's baptism. Instead, she expressed her deep appreciation for the influence of the Church on her daughter and requested that when we baptized her son, we do it "several times" because he needed the change even more than the daughter.

Some comments from missionaries about their experiences with getting parental permission in this way also describe the results they obtained (Missionary Letters, 1978-1981): 

            One of the highlights of our week was paying a visit to one of our investigator's mother. We had asked him to practice the principles of thankfulness and kindness in his home, and he followed through. His mother, a staunch Nichiren [Buddhist], came out and thanked us for teaching her son and for the wonderful change those teachings wrought in their family. 

            Yesterday was one of the best days of my mission. Brother Yamamoto baptized his sister. It has taken four months for this baptism. The Mother came to the baptism yesterday and was very impressed. When she left I found she was shedding a few tears. She just said "Thank you, thank you for making my children happy." I know the parents will soon get baptized. 

            We baptized a man recently who has been a good friend of ours for about a month. He is 21 years old and living at home with his family. This man had never really spent much time at home, but the blessing of hearing about the gospel and getting baptized opened his eyes to the importance of his family. He began complimenting his parents, helping around the house, and sharing the new love he had obtained. Not long after, his mom called me on the telephone and wouldn't stop thanking me about the change in her son. She was overjoyed from the spirit that was coming from her son and invited us to her home to share that same spirit with the rest of the family.

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